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Literature Text
[ even though ]
you've told me
countless times that it was
never a problem and
that I
could carry on as before,
maybe even increase
the speed at which I
was killing myself,
[ I cannot blame you. ]
and even though the pain
was there,legitimate even,
and that, hell, I
needed some way to
get rid of it,
how damned stupid could
I be to
[ not ] look for reasons and
[ not ] to solve the problem?
I mean, don't I take pride in my
abilities to solve things and help
with problems, don't I
keep saying that's what makes me
good?
not the help I was anymore.
what is good? about
how I keep lying as I count
the measure but decide
against it;
I don't count how many
times I hurt/medicate myself now
because I was told it [ wasn't a problem ]
and I believed it
- yes, and it is not a problem, even as
my insides swell from the overusage
or whatever terrible havoc occurs
in my body, because I didn't know
what happens then, and I don't want
to know now -
and [ even though ] you
told me not to worry
and that it wasn't a
problem, I cannot
and will not blame it on you,
because I should have thought
for myself, and
besides,
you
weren't
the one
who
was making the mistake.
you've told me
countless times that it was
that I
could carry on as before,
maybe even increase
the speed at which I
was killing myself,
[ I cannot blame you. ]
and even though the pain
was there,
and that, hell, I
needed some way to
get rid of it,
how damned stupid could
I be to
[ not ] look for reasons and
[ not ] to solve the problem?
I mean, don't I take pride in my
abilities to solve things and help
with problems, don't I
keep saying that's what makes me
good?
not the help I was anymore.
what is good? about
how I keep lying as I count
the measure but decide
against it;
I don't count how many
times I hurt/medicate myself now
because I was told it [ wasn't a problem ]
and I believed it
- yes, and it is not a problem, even as
my insides swell from the overusage
or whatever terrible havoc occurs
in my body, because I didn't know
what happens then, and I don't want
to know now -
and [ even though ] you
told me not to worry
and that it wasn't a
problem, I cannot
and will not blame it on you,
because I should have thought
for myself, and
besides,
you
weren't
the one
who
was making the mistake.
While I was writing this poem, I was crying a little bit on the inside, mostly because it's about me. Or, well, not about something that's happened to me yet. It's about me and painkillers, if anyone's truly interested in knowing. I didn't think my painkiller usage was very bad (in fact, it's not). But I recently read something about how most American adults are supposedly overdosing on painkillers (and I am an American adult), and it gave a bunch of statistics that, if taken at face value (i.e. the numbers they gave actually did constitute overdosing), then I overdose quite a bit.
And then I was having this odd mood that best translates to "potential feelings". I could be having feelings, that is, but the feeling hasn't decided what feeling it wants to be yet, so whatever happens in the next few minutes depends what the feeling becomes. In this case, it was sad. Except it wasn't extremely sad, because I don't get extremely anything.
Also, does anyone else hold the belief that, even if no one warns you against doing something, you're still fully responsible for its consequences? I mean, even if all the people you trust are telling you something is perfectly fine, you're still fully responsible and you should feel as much regret as you would feel if everyone was warning you against it. That's what I think.
(Also, I am a very happy and well-adjusted person. My sudden influx in angsty stuff - well, "sudden" in my opinion - has made me realize I should probably specify that.)
And then I was having this odd mood that best translates to "potential feelings". I could be having feelings, that is, but the feeling hasn't decided what feeling it wants to be yet, so whatever happens in the next few minutes depends what the feeling becomes. In this case, it was sad. Except it wasn't extremely sad, because I don't get extremely anything.
Also, does anyone else hold the belief that, even if no one warns you against doing something, you're still fully responsible for its consequences? I mean, even if all the people you trust are telling you something is perfectly fine, you're still fully responsible and you should feel as much regret as you would feel if everyone was warning you against it. That's what I think.
(Also, I am a very happy and well-adjusted person. My sudden influx in angsty stuff - well, "sudden" in my opinion - has made me realize I should probably specify that.)
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